project
Before the Fall semester started, I had a plan for my photo project. I had it all lined out. I was going to “use” my friends….and take their portraits - and I was going to insist that they give me a top 10 about themselves. As the semester started and I received very little response to my emails, I realized that it wasn’t going to happen. The resistance, although subtle, was there… Sometimes a lack of response says it all.
Why portraits? I really wanted to take the time to photograph the people that are a part of my world. I wanted to capture them doing their “thing”, being themselves, etc.. I wanted more than images of people standing there posing and looking pretty. I wanted the real deal. I really had this desire to record a moment in my life - the people that make up my world. I realized from last semester that I often times had a hard time getting up into people’s faces and taking their pictures. It’s a confidence thing. It’s a comfort thing. It’s being confident enough to know that it’s a slow process with film and not being concerned that time is being taken up. I’m confident in that I’m a good photographer. Not always great, not always perfect, but I know that I’m good. It’s just hard to be in someone’s space. It’s hard to get past worrying if they are comfortable and okay with the process.
Somewhere in the midst of this semester I felt like my insides were being tested. I felt like I personally was being tested. Was I actually? Who knows. I think I was questioning myself and life events that were taking place around me. My heart was wanting one thing and my head was giving me a whole difference answer. As always, a battle for me.
I randomly had taken 2 self-portraits of myself. My teacher Joe insisted that I follow that lead. He suggested I look at Cindy Sherman’s work. I wasn’t comfortable with that. I’m sure I felt the exact same way that my friends felt when I insisted on taking their picture. An image captures what the camera sees, what the outside world sees… I felt like it was a very self-absorbed thing to take pictures of oneself.
But I did it. I spent a great amount of time in front of my camera….pushing myself to stand there and pose, image after image. Four rolls later, wigs, wine, glasses, dog, patience and great deal of inquiries from neighbors - I completed what will end up being my project for the year. Film Stills. Stills that both question and confirm masks we as people wear on a daily basis. Stills that attack the question of the roles we play in life. Facts of life, actual or imagined. I really hoped to challenge the idea of the perception of a fixed identity. Constructing and deconstructing assumed and real relationships. I like how Cindy Sherman often stated that “..identity lies in appearance, not reality”.
The art show for our class will be in April. I’m curious how it will all turn out. Will it come together. Will how I’m feeling about my life and the things I face in my future affect the direction it goes? Will I feel strong enough to put myself out there and hang myself on the wall. It remains to be seen.
“Under this mask, another mask. I will never finish lifting up all these faces.” ~ Cindy Sherman
